For the other preemie moms out there, does it still get to you sometimes? Are there moments where the memories come flooding back and you find yourself all teary eyed over your own experiences? I finally feel like our experiences in the NICU are not haunting me anymore but I definately am not so far removed yet that it doesn't still pop up and get to me at random moments.
Everytime I look at my girls I am eternally greatful as I think of how close we came to not having them here with us. I look at them and I do think about the babies out there who didn't make it, who are in heaven now watching over us.
Melissa and I have been actively working on a plan to raise money for March of Dimes this year and I guess it is stirring up specific things in me that I haven't thought about in a while, if at all since the came home.
There is one particular dificult memory that keeps popping in my head.
I was out in the hallway scrubbing in for my daily visit to the NICU when one of the girl's nurses was coming back from lunch. She pulled me aside up to a wall and told me not to be upset but she had just put in an IV for Maddy and because her arms were too tiny to find the veins she had to put in in her head. I was glad she had pulled me aside and I tried to compose myself as I shakily headed to my babies room. When I walked in I lost my complete composure and sobbed quietly at my child's bedside. Here was my sweet little angel with a huge IV in her head and guaze wrapped all around. I felt devistated that day and didn't know if I had enough strength to get through the hour, much less the rest of our NICU days. It wasn't that the IV was hurting her anymore than it would be if it where located anywhere else, in fact it was more stable than many of the ones she had had already or would come to have, but still, it was just the idea of it that broke me down.
This is just one of the memories, I had today while watching her play, it drew me right back in. I probably haven't thought about that moment since we have come home from the hospital but now that it is there it feels so real and so fresh, as if I had just gone through the experience of it a day or two ago. I can still feel the room, see the hallway, feel the stab you in the heart pain of the moment. The trauma was very real and obviously still lingers some. At that moment I was so lost in pain for her and for us that I couldn't see ahead to today. I couldn't imagine there would be a day where she would give open mouth kisses and prance off across the room, play purse on her shoulder.
What I really do believe though is that God was watching over us then; and thank goodness He was able to see ahead to days like today and He alone was able to carry me through. Remembering those painful things is not something I want to do everyday anymore, and I don't for the most part, but it has been a very real part of my life. Those are my memories and they are directly tied to my heart. They are directly tied to the way that I parent and the way that I see my girls. I really do see my girls as miracles of God. Tonight watching them sleep, blankie in hand I realize how blessed we are.
Friday, January 26, 2007
Thursday, January 25, 2007
I've Been Tagged ... All About MEME
Casey tagged me to do this MEME and since I have never done one before and I typically find myself pretty boring :) I can't make promises that I can come up with anything funny or interesting you don't already know, but here goes.
**Once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog with 5 facts about yourself. Then choose 5 people you want to tag and list their names. Then leave a comment on their blog letting them know they’ve been tagged.**5 things about MEME...
1. I LOVE reality tv. I know a lot of people don't, but I really do. I don't get a lot of time to watch t.v. these days but when I do fit it in, I almost always pick some reality tv show. I love Big Brother, I love Top Chef and Project Runway. I have watched the new "Dirty Dancing" reality show. I don't watch survivor a lot because I got bored with it but I used to watch it. I like American Idol sort of. I watch the beginning and end of it. I like game shows too, especially Wheel of Fortune, Deal or No Deal, 1 vs. 100, Who want's to be a millionaire reruns. I even Tivo some of them to watch later.
2. I think I am fairly friendly but as I have gotten older I think socially I have become much more shy around new people. Maybe it has something to do with not working anymore and not being around very many people over the age of 1 1/2 on a daily basis. I can talk to anyone one on one, but put me in a group of new people or even people I love and I almost always put up an internal wall. I often leave social engagements regretting things I have said to others. I don't mean that I said mean or stupid things but I always replay my conversations after the fact and I almost always feel very embarassed and a little stupid. I think years of replaying those conversations in my head have now led me to hold back a lot when I am around new people in a group.
3. I am pretty sure I have an anxiety disorder of some type. Sometimes small things that have nothing to do with my daily life will affect me and I will have panic attacks at bedtime about them. One night a few months ago I read an article on the web stating that the government was preparing to retest the drafting system and that night I was up half the night with panic. I have no idea why. It was eating me up inside and even in the middle of the stomach tightening stressful panic attack I was fully aware that I shouldn't be worked up over it at all. It had no bearings on my life at the moment at all. I have thought many times about calling my doctor and asking for medication for anxiety but two things have kept me from doing that. 1) I don't readily have the time or sitters necessary to get to the doctor and so I keep putting it off and putting it off and 2) I hate taking any kind of medicine on a daily basis and am horrible at remembering to do it. I think it would probably do me some good to go though, that or I might need to find a good therapist. :) My mom says that maybe this anxiety thing has manifested itself recently because my nerves are so dulled by the stress and anxiety we experienced with the early birth of the girls. Maybe I had such a hard time then that my coping skills evaporated and now little things just work their way under my skin and I have a melt down. Who knows, it sounds logical to me. My question is how do I get back to the normal me who isn't so irrationally afraid of things anymore.
Wow I had no idea how this MEME thing was going to come out but I am finding really weird personal stuff to splay out there. Sorry about that .... Okay okay, think funny or at least interesting ...
4. I am seriously thinking about going back to school in the fall. Maybe doing some online courses first and then some basic classes at our local community college. I think I am pretty serious about pursuing a teaching degree. I am pretty creative and I think I would really enjoy teaching elementary school. It is really up my alley and I know that if I could get started back into this school thing I could finish it and then have the career I have always wanted. The hardest part is trying to figure out how to get back in after ten years of being out of school. I called yesterday and talked to an admissions counselor and I really think I am going to do this. I will have to pray for financial aid of course but I don't think that will be a big deal (being as poor as we are :) )
5. I Love LOVE Love where I am at in life right now. Early 20's were filled with trying to figure out where I belonged in this world and now that I am a few years older I finally feel I am at a place in my life where I am truly completly happy. I have everything I have ever wanted and wished and prayed for. I have a very supportive wonderful husband and two gorgeous sweet baby girls who are healthy and happy. The girls freely give away kisses and say baby gibberish in response to my constant "I love you's" to them which I interpret readily as "I love you too, mom" My days may be hectic some and boring others but there can't be anything better in the world than spending the day with people who love you more than anything else in their world. It feels magnificient to finally be at this place of complete contentment.
Well, I am done. Whew that was hard and easy at the same time.
Five people to tag (if they feel up to it):
1. The newly pregnant Kathy of "All About the Boy" ... not for long :)
2. Carrie Lynn
3. Tonya of "A Mother's Journal"
4. Mandy of "Anna and Emma"
5. Anybody else who wants to do it.
Let me know if you do it, so I can read :)
**Once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog with 5 facts about yourself. Then choose 5 people you want to tag and list their names. Then leave a comment on their blog letting them know they’ve been tagged.**5 things about MEME...
1. I LOVE reality tv. I know a lot of people don't, but I really do. I don't get a lot of time to watch t.v. these days but when I do fit it in, I almost always pick some reality tv show. I love Big Brother, I love Top Chef and Project Runway. I have watched the new "Dirty Dancing" reality show. I don't watch survivor a lot because I got bored with it but I used to watch it. I like American Idol sort of. I watch the beginning and end of it. I like game shows too, especially Wheel of Fortune, Deal or No Deal, 1 vs. 100, Who want's to be a millionaire reruns. I even Tivo some of them to watch later.
2. I think I am fairly friendly but as I have gotten older I think socially I have become much more shy around new people. Maybe it has something to do with not working anymore and not being around very many people over the age of 1 1/2 on a daily basis. I can talk to anyone one on one, but put me in a group of new people or even people I love and I almost always put up an internal wall. I often leave social engagements regretting things I have said to others. I don't mean that I said mean or stupid things but I always replay my conversations after the fact and I almost always feel very embarassed and a little stupid. I think years of replaying those conversations in my head have now led me to hold back a lot when I am around new people in a group.
3. I am pretty sure I have an anxiety disorder of some type. Sometimes small things that have nothing to do with my daily life will affect me and I will have panic attacks at bedtime about them. One night a few months ago I read an article on the web stating that the government was preparing to retest the drafting system and that night I was up half the night with panic. I have no idea why. It was eating me up inside and even in the middle of the stomach tightening stressful panic attack I was fully aware that I shouldn't be worked up over it at all. It had no bearings on my life at the moment at all. I have thought many times about calling my doctor and asking for medication for anxiety but two things have kept me from doing that. 1) I don't readily have the time or sitters necessary to get to the doctor and so I keep putting it off and putting it off and 2) I hate taking any kind of medicine on a daily basis and am horrible at remembering to do it. I think it would probably do me some good to go though, that or I might need to find a good therapist. :) My mom says that maybe this anxiety thing has manifested itself recently because my nerves are so dulled by the stress and anxiety we experienced with the early birth of the girls. Maybe I had such a hard time then that my coping skills evaporated and now little things just work their way under my skin and I have a melt down. Who knows, it sounds logical to me. My question is how do I get back to the normal me who isn't so irrationally afraid of things anymore.
Wow I had no idea how this MEME thing was going to come out but I am finding really weird personal stuff to splay out there. Sorry about that .... Okay okay, think funny or at least interesting ...
4. I am seriously thinking about going back to school in the fall. Maybe doing some online courses first and then some basic classes at our local community college. I think I am pretty serious about pursuing a teaching degree. I am pretty creative and I think I would really enjoy teaching elementary school. It is really up my alley and I know that if I could get started back into this school thing I could finish it and then have the career I have always wanted. The hardest part is trying to figure out how to get back in after ten years of being out of school. I called yesterday and talked to an admissions counselor and I really think I am going to do this. I will have to pray for financial aid of course but I don't think that will be a big deal (being as poor as we are :) )
5. I Love LOVE Love where I am at in life right now. Early 20's were filled with trying to figure out where I belonged in this world and now that I am a few years older I finally feel I am at a place in my life where I am truly completly happy. I have everything I have ever wanted and wished and prayed for. I have a very supportive wonderful husband and two gorgeous sweet baby girls who are healthy and happy. The girls freely give away kisses and say baby gibberish in response to my constant "I love you's" to them which I interpret readily as "I love you too, mom" My days may be hectic some and boring others but there can't be anything better in the world than spending the day with people who love you more than anything else in their world. It feels magnificient to finally be at this place of complete contentment.
Well, I am done. Whew that was hard and easy at the same time.
Five people to tag (if they feel up to it):
1. The newly pregnant Kathy of "All About the Boy" ... not for long :)
2. Carrie Lynn
3. Tonya of "A Mother's Journal"
4. Mandy of "Anna and Emma"
5. Anybody else who wants to do it.
Let me know if you do it, so I can read :)
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Runny Noses, Cough, and Fever ... Oh My!
Well I guess winter has finally caught up to us. We were doing so good until this past weekend when both girls started with a cough and runny nose. Then Sunday night Morgan broke out in high fever and it stayed that way till sometime this afternoon. Finally both girls had a few hours of feeling better thanks to our dosing them up on Motrin, Tylenol, Robitussin, and Benadryl (off and on of course). Now that night time has hit, both are running low grade temps. On top of that, I have a sore throat and generally feel like I could go to bed and sleep for a week. Plus Maddy has diarrhea; from all the juice we have been giving them I assume (fever = no milk). They are fussy and grumpy. Maddy has dissolved in tears more than once today when Morgan gets anywhere near her. I assume she thinks Morgan is out to take her toys. William was off yesterday for the holiday and so today was his first day back to work since they came down with the crud. It has been trying and I am hoping tomorrow proves to be better. Keep your fingers crossed for us.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Happy New Year!!!
Well, I haven't blogged in FOREVER. I haven't had time and honestly I am pretty bored with blogging. I don't know if I am ready to call it quits or not yet though. My family seems to like being able to check in for new pics and show off to their work buddies and friends. I've been told I have out of town extended family that reads but I am not sure about that either.
We have been doing great. Maddy and Morgan had a fabulous Christmas and literally received an obscene amount of toys. We have no time for the computer because we spend all day rotating toys in and out for them to play with. We had a really nice holiday spending lots of time with family. For New Year's weekend we took the girls to the mountains for a little getaway. We all had a blast. The weather was really nice and the girls love love LOVED walking around in the woods and playing in the mountain streams (okay ... looking at them, it was too cold to touch) William and I really enjoyed the time away from the house and from our regular routine. This was really the first time we have taken the girls on a vacation.
The girls are getting bigger everyday and both are walking and running now. Maddy is almost jumping but she isn't quite able to pick her feet up off the ground yet but she is so cute when she tries. Morgan bounces with Maddy like she wants to jump too. They are both kicking and throwing balls and just generally seem more like little girls everyday then the babies they were. Yesterday I let them eat chocolate pudding with a spoon and it was a mess everywhere but they are really ready to start using utensils I think. They know now that a spoon goes in the food and then to your mouth, though the pudding ended up almost everywhere but their mouths.
Tomorrow the girls are going over to their Aunt Melissa's house to spend the weekend. It will be the first time they have ever gone anywhere for the weekend. I know they will have a nice time but I don't know what I am going to do with myself with so much freetime. Hopefully get caught up on my scrapbook and have some R&R time to myself.
The girls are the light of my life and things are really good for us right now. I hope all of you are having a happy New Year this year and I hope to hear from you soon.
We have been doing great. Maddy and Morgan had a fabulous Christmas and literally received an obscene amount of toys. We have no time for the computer because we spend all day rotating toys in and out for them to play with. We had a really nice holiday spending lots of time with family. For New Year's weekend we took the girls to the mountains for a little getaway. We all had a blast. The weather was really nice and the girls love love LOVED walking around in the woods and playing in the mountain streams (okay ... looking at them, it was too cold to touch) William and I really enjoyed the time away from the house and from our regular routine. This was really the first time we have taken the girls on a vacation.
The girls are getting bigger everyday and both are walking and running now. Maddy is almost jumping but she isn't quite able to pick her feet up off the ground yet but she is so cute when she tries. Morgan bounces with Maddy like she wants to jump too. They are both kicking and throwing balls and just generally seem more like little girls everyday then the babies they were. Yesterday I let them eat chocolate pudding with a spoon and it was a mess everywhere but they are really ready to start using utensils I think. They know now that a spoon goes in the food and then to your mouth, though the pudding ended up almost everywhere but their mouths.
Tomorrow the girls are going over to their Aunt Melissa's house to spend the weekend. It will be the first time they have ever gone anywhere for the weekend. I know they will have a nice time but I don't know what I am going to do with myself with so much freetime. Hopefully get caught up on my scrapbook and have some R&R time to myself.
The girls are the light of my life and things are really good for us right now. I hope all of you are having a happy New Year this year and I hope to hear from you soon.
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