For the other preemie moms out there, does it still get to you sometimes? Are there moments where the memories come flooding back and you find yourself all teary eyed over your own experiences? I finally feel like our experiences in the NICU are not haunting me anymore but I definately am not so far removed yet that it doesn't still pop up and get to me at random moments.
Everytime I look at my girls I am eternally greatful as I think of how close we came to not having them here with us. I look at them and I do think about the babies out there who didn't make it, who are in heaven now watching over us.
Melissa and I have been actively working on a plan to raise money for March of Dimes this year and I guess it is stirring up specific things in me that I haven't thought about in a while, if at all since the came home.
There is one particular dificult memory that keeps popping in my head.
I was out in the hallway scrubbing in for my daily visit to the NICU when one of the girl's nurses was coming back from lunch. She pulled me aside up to a wall and told me not to be upset but she had just put in an IV for Maddy and because her arms were too tiny to find the veins she had to put in in her head. I was glad she had pulled me aside and I tried to compose myself as I shakily headed to my babies room. When I walked in I lost my complete composure and sobbed quietly at my child's bedside. Here was my sweet little angel with a huge IV in her head and guaze wrapped all around. I felt devistated that day and didn't know if I had enough strength to get through the hour, much less the rest of our NICU days. It wasn't that the IV was hurting her anymore than it would be if it where located anywhere else, in fact it was more stable than many of the ones she had had already or would come to have, but still, it was just the idea of it that broke me down.
This is just one of the memories, I had today while watching her play, it drew me right back in. I probably haven't thought about that moment since we have come home from the hospital but now that it is there it feels so real and so fresh, as if I had just gone through the experience of it a day or two ago. I can still feel the room, see the hallway, feel the stab you in the heart pain of the moment. The trauma was very real and obviously still lingers some. At that moment I was so lost in pain for her and for us that I couldn't see ahead to today. I couldn't imagine there would be a day where she would give open mouth kisses and prance off across the room, play purse on her shoulder.
What I really do believe though is that God was watching over us then; and thank goodness He was able to see ahead to days like today and He alone was able to carry me through. Remembering those painful things is not something I want to do everyday anymore, and I don't for the most part, but it has been a very real part of my life. Those are my memories and they are directly tied to my heart. They are directly tied to the way that I parent and the way that I see my girls. I really do see my girls as miracles of God. Tonight watching them sleep, blankie in hand I realize how blessed we are.
5 comments:
I have tears streaming down my face reading that. I think it (the NICU memories) are never more than a stray thought away for any of us who have been through it.
While Brayden seems to be completely normal (I still worry everyday) and, in fact, downright ornery and "all boy", I still frequently flash back to the day the doctor called us early one morning before we went in to the hospital to say that he may not make it. I'm not proud of the way I acted at the NICU, but while my husband sat and talked to him and touched him, I stood in a corner and cried, unable to speak or move. I was completely helpless. And that particular memory is the one that flashes through my mind when I least expect it.
Okay, crying harder now. I just meant to say that it's normal to reflect on that time, even when you don't want to.
Mandy.. it is amazing to sit and reflect and relive moments where you didn't know where you would be. And now, you are blessed and grateful and wonderful.. Just keep that with you.. even on the tough days.
HUGS to my girls and yours.
I've been avoiding commenting for the past few days because my emotions have already been completely raw. Now that I'm pregnant again, I'm remembering all the fear I had when I was pregnant with Patrick, and even more when he was in the NICU. All those memories seem closer than ever now, and they are more likely to send my emotions into a tailspin than ever. I am truly faced with the possibility of going through all of it again, maybe without the same wonderful outcome, and it's so overwhelming. As much as I want another child, I'm wondering if all this stress and worry is really worth it. I guess it was with Patrick, though.
Oh you are not alone Mandy.. I have done the very same things. Randie had the IV in her head so many times and it was so painful to see everytime they did it.. I try not to think about that stuff much anymore but if I see a preemie on a hospital drama or anything like that it all comes flooding back.. We are truly blessed!!
Such a powerful memory! I think the NICU memories will be with us forever. I remember the two-steps-forward-one-step-back dance we did for weeks on end, waiting for our baby girls to be strong enough to come home, and I'm overwhelmed all over again by how amazing and wonderful it is that they're the strong, healthy, beautiful girls they are today.
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