Long Time No See? Lots to Talk About

Well it seems like forever since I updated my blog. I know a lot of my readers probably thought I was never going to come back. But alas, I am here.

I had the flu for about a week and a half and it felt like it sucked the life right out of me. I was too tired to even move very much and so I skipped my daily visits to the computer desk. I just mostly layed out on the couch and watched the girls play in the floor. I did only the basics.

The girls amazingly haven't been sick or shown any signs of getting the flu, so that is really good. They have been just growing and playing to their little hearts content.

Maddy is still taking steps toward me and she is spending most of her time standing around the room playing with one toy or another without holding on to anything. I think as her confidence increases we will see her walking more and more.

Morgan has been pulling up on all the furniture and cruising around like a pro. Her PT is so amazed at how fast she seemed to pick up on the cruising. Just two weeks ago we were having to manually move her foot over the other one to show her how to move up and down the sofa and now she is like lightening. She is still doing her head "ticking" but the more I watch her do it the less concerned I am that it is anything more than a comfort mannerism. I seriously doubt it is mild seizures like some have speculated.

I went to the OBGYN today because I have been having "problems" again. If you know me, you are very familiar with my "problems". I have been battling them for eight years now. I saw the doctor who delivered the girls. She isn't my regular doctor and I am not all that fond of her really. She has a tendency to ask you a question and then cut you off three words into it, plus she explains nothing to you. I always leave feeling confused and ignored when I see her. Hence the reason she is not my regular doctor.

I had to be worked in today because my "problems" where leaving me feeling dizzy and weak and I was worried that I was heading in the direction of needing another blood transfusion or sixth D&C. I was half right. My blood count was lower than it should be but not at the critical point that I would need an emergency transfusion or surgery. That was a relief because when I called the nurse she told me not to eat or drink anything till I came in and I was scared they were going to want to do another D&C. She gave me some STRONG medicine that basically stopped the "problems" in a matter of three hours tonight. So I am already starting to feel more like myself again. I am just still fairly fatigued and achy.

Anyway, the doctor said that really I need to decide if I want to go ahead with a hysterectomy. She said that she wanted me to talk to William about it and call back next week to talk with my regular doctor about it. I knew this is what she was going to say, so I am not sure why I am so totally bummed out about it? She did say I could try the Depo Provera shot and that it might, MIGHT give me a three month reprieve to decide what I wanted to do long term. I kept trying to tell her that William and I hadn't really completely decided whether or not we were done having kids.

If it were up to William he would for sure say we were done. But then there is this longing in me to have one more. But I am just not sure where it is coming from? Is it because I feel short changed out of the normal pregnancy/delivery/rooming in process that I experienced with the girls? Is it because I want to have one more to snuggle and cuddle later on and breast feed and really slow down and enjoy? Is it because I don't feel like our family is complete? I don't think it is the last one, because I really do feel a sense of completion with just having the girls. I just don't know. I just don't feel like I am completely ready to have no more chances, no more daydreams about another baby. I don't feel ready to know for sure that there will NEVER be another little one to cherish and snuggle and raise and play with, no younger sibling for the girls to be excited about. I just don't feel ready to make those life long permanent choices. I feel pressured into it.

But really, when I lay it all out on the table, I can't imagine really wanting to take the risk of having another one. I mean I had a transverse C-Section with the girls, so that means I am at increased risk of having my uterus rupture with another pregnancy. I automatically will have to have a scheduled C-Section. I will have to be on bed rest for a longer period because of my water breaking so early with the girls. I am at increased risk of having another premature baby and honestly I can't imagine watching another child struggle through that, what if it didn't turn out as well the next time. I would feel eternally guilty and selfish. If I did have a premature baby that had lifelong problems, that would affect the girls lives in some very negative ways. And God forbid the child not survive, we would be forever changed and heartbroken.

I wonder if all mothers who have extremely premature children worry and wonder about having another after that experience. I think if the girls weren't here, if I had had a miscarriage with them or if they hadn't survived their battles with their prematurity, I don't think it would even be a question as to whether or not to try again. I think I would instinctively try and try again until I had that baby or babies in my arms for keeps. But now that I am blessed with two perfect wonderful little miracle girls, I have to consider them when I consider the risks.

Probably sounds like an easy decision to everyone out there in blogland and to my family for that matter, but to me it is just a pull at your heart, never can go back, lifechanging decision. I have always felt it was unfair to have to be deciding these things so young.

I don't know what I will ultimately decide and really the decision is up to me first and then to William and I as a family. It is my body and my life and I will have to do what I feel is right in my heart for the long term. For right now I think William and I have decided it would be best to try the shot and see if it will give us a few more months to settle all of it in my heart for good.

I can say that I do believe that God is in control of my life and that if I trust in Him all things will work out according to His plan for my life. I do believe that if I am not supposed to have another child, then I won't. Either I won't get pregnant at all or I won't be able to or maybe I will end up having a hysterectomy and then I won't have any more. I just need some time to mull it all over and pray about it, then hopefully I will know the right decision for us and I will be able to feel comfortable with it in my heart.

I am going to do my best to update at least every couple of days now that I am feeling better. So check back throughout the next week and I will post some cute pictures I have taken over the last couple of weeks and haven't been able to post yet :) Thanks for caring about us and for sticking with me :)