Sounding Off

Yesterday I had some extra free time (I know, can you believe it?) and so I was online looking through random blogs. I must have done a search for "26 weeker" because I came across a blog that was written by a young (I assume) female neonatologist. She was sounding off about a mother of a 26 weeker, premature baby. My girls are 26 weekers, meaning they were born at 26 weeks gestation instead of full term at 40 weeks.

Anyway, she wrote about a young mother of a 26 weeker whose baby was going home that day. She said that the baby was doing great and that the mother was ecstatic. She went on and on and then said:

"There was one thing different about this mother of the 26 weeker, though, something that made it a little harder for me to drum up the usual sympathy. She was 20 years old and single"

THIS made me so mad. I know from reading that post and others of hers that she was basically saying that its a shame that this woman is so young and is a single mother. The woman had had two previously bad pregnancies and I think she said this was the only surviving baby. She was (for lack of a better phrase) looking down on her because she had had so many pregnancies, of which none had gone well, AND she was so young. People commented on her post and some were supporters of what she said and others were not.

It wasn't the single part that bothered me in her statement. It was the fact that she said she had a hard time having sympathy for her. Now my point, the reason this made me upset is because I am looking at it from the side of a mother. A young mother at that. What I went through as a new mother of very very sick babies was excruciating. If I had to describe it, it was like having your heart ripped out every time you looked at your child in pain. I literally shake today everytime I reminisce about our NICU experience. The pain is SO deep.

My 26 weeker babies had zillions of heel pricks, many many blood transfusions, IV's in their heads, swollen necks from where the central lines infiltrated in their neck and chest, septic blood infections, not to mention that they cut both of my children open at 1 pound 8 ounces from side to side to save their lives. Not to mention the colostomy bags they had to endure that eventually stripped their skin off and left noticeable scars on their tummies. I know all this is graphic and some of you were right there standing next to me watching me suffer through this. Some of you saw my husband cry day in and day out because the stress and pain of not being able to do anything for them was terrible. But even if you weren't there, even if you have never experienced anything like it, I don't think it would be hard to find sympathy for any mother going through this kind of thing. This doctor I think mentioned she was a mother herself and had never had a problem carrying her babies.

I know that people who see these types of things every day, have to harden themselves to some degree to get through it. I know that, because at one time in my life I worked with abused children and the only thing you can do is try not to take it personally, otherwise you can't sleep at night for thinking about it. But even if this doctor is immune to the pain of those around her and can't see the suffering in this mother, why would she choose to write something so mean in her blog. Why wouldn't she just think it to herself and go on.

She looked past this women's burden and only saw that she was young and single. She didn't and couldn't see her pain. She put this mother down to make herself feel better. She is a DOCTOR and she is SO SMART but yet she misses the mark on something so basic, empathy/sympathy for others.

Maybe I just took personally because I have been in that new mom's shoes and I have felt the coldness of the NICU. The pain of the NICU literally at times made me want to lay down in the middle of the floor and cry. One time a nurse was outright rude to me (well more than once) and all I could think in that moment was that I had to make it out of the NICU doors before I collapsed. It is just too hard. The pressure is too thick and later after I had made it home I thought about how mean she had been and I was shocked that she couldn't see the pain I was already in. How could she add another burden (hurt feelings) to my back?

The Neonatologist and nurses in my NICU's were great. They saved my children's lives and for that I am eternally grateful. I am sure that young single mother is grateful too for what that doctor did to save her baby. I just want the doctor's and nurses who take care of these families to realize that we are mothers of very sick babies. We may or probably have not and will not ever suffer like this again. We will always feel the pain of the NICU. It will stay with us forever. Everytime we see a pregnant woman, everytime we look at pictures of our infants, everytime our child gets a shot and cries that same cry of pain, we will feel it. So that said it, at the very least I think the doctors and nurses should give all the sympathy they can find within themselves, every time they talk to a new mom or dad or grandparent. And if they can't find it within themselves because they are so cold and numb to it all then at least keep your mouth shut and don't look down on someone who is already going through so much!