NICU: Just a Visit

I haven't been online much the last week or so. I haven't felt like updating this blog when I was on. I had a really busy weekend and Monday with family and then yesterday I had a doctor's appointment at 11. It was the first time I have taken the girls to the OBGYN's office since they were born. Everyone just ooohed and awwwed over them too. The receptionist, the nurses, and especially my doctor. She said she was really excited to finally get to see them. They kept calling them their miracle babies. While there, the nurse who was getting my information for the visit, reminded me that she was the nurse who had taken care of me the day my water broke. I remembered but hadn't said anything about it to her yet. She said "I will never forget the day you came in here with your water broken. I will never forget your face" I said, "Really?" and then she pointed down the hall at a room and said "That was the room you were in that day" I asked her if they had many women have the same thing happen to them and she said "Not really" All of this amazed and perplexed me a great deal. While I remembered too the day, the room, and the nurse, I didn't remember any of the details of what was said or how I acted. It is all a blur to me. I guess I was in shock that day.

After I left the doctor's office I went up to the third floor of the hospital where I delivered to see a nurse that took care of me and has known me for years. She used to work in the doctor's office I had just left and everytime I needed anything she was the one I would talk to. While I was up seeing her, I ran into the physical therapist from the NICU and she talked me into going to see the NICU nurses and doctors. I was afraid to do so before her suggestion, for fear that when I called into the NICU and asked for a familiar nurse that they would have no idea who I was. But I was wrong. I called in and asked for Carol. They put her on. I said who I was, and that I had come by to visit. Within a minute or two the waiting room was flooded with nurses (some I didn't even remember until I saw them) and the neonatologist came out. I hugged Dr. Sander and told him that "I couldn't be more greatful!" I thanked them all. They remembered the girls, like they were family. They passed them around and talked to them. They were so amazed at how well everything turned out. They were more amazed that we hadn't been sick with RSV during the winter. They remembered William and where he worked and where we lived. They asked about our garden and my mother.

When we started to pack up to go, I bent over to put Maddy in the stroller. Teresa, the head nurse, said "Oh I wish the girls could stay a little longer" and I said "Nope, I'm taking them with me today" and I smiled. She laughed at the irony of her comment. I said "We stayed here long enough and I am so glad that we are finally all together"

Overall, I would say it was a healing experience to go back. But it also brought back lots of memories and thoughts I thought were buried up to this point. The closer we get to the girls birthday, the closer I feel to emotional meltdown. Instead of dealing with the emotions as they come though I just give up and try to ignore them. I feel the tension mounting and I feel very helpless at dealing with it. I am mostly a very open person. An open book of sorts. It is easy for me to express my feelings and share my thoughts, but for some reason when it comes to my NICU feelings I feel like if I open the gates, I will get knocked over and won't be able to explain anything or understand anything I am feeling. I don't want to forget but I do want to forget at the same time. I keep thinking that the girls' birthday is going to be the big finale to all of the questions swarming around in my head, to all the pain and fears and worries I have. That on that day I will deal with it all and move on, put it behind me. But when I think about it all more realistically I know that this won't be the case and instead, probably I will deal with these feelings for a while to come, like air leaking slowly out of a balloon.


Two finale thoughts:
I will try to update with some pictures tomorrow of the girls.

Like Kathy, I too, got the book "The Early Birds" by Jenny Minton and was asked by her publicist to read and review it on my blog. I am in the process of finishing it. I will tell you more about it and what I think when I am done. Check out her blog if you want more details about it.