Reminiscing

My sweet birthday bunnies will be one this week. I am so excited that it is finally here, even though I am a bit sad and nostalgic about all that has transpired over this last year.

William made a joke this weekend. I said "I can't believe the girls are going to be one in a week" and he said "I know! It seems like just nine months ago we were bringing them home from the hospital", Haha. "It was, just nine months ago!" I said laughing at him. But all joking aside, it has been the best twelve months of my life. I have loved them from the very second I knew they existed, deep deep wells of love.

I think I am going to be bold and share a few entries in my NICU journal.

The first one is dated August 2nd. It is the first time I recorded anything on paper about how I was feeling regarding the girls birth. So here goes:

"It's 3:15am and I am laying in a foldout chair behind Maddy's crib at LeBonheur NICU. My babies are eleven days old today and we have been up up up on a roller coaster and way back down again. Friday, Morgan's x-ray showed air in her belly, which indicated a perforation in her intestines. She was flown by helicopter to LeBonheur from Baptist. Her surgery was nerve wracking for me, but everything went very well.

Saturday was a pretty good day as Morgan began to wake up from anesthesia a little. Then Sunday when we got to Baptist to see Maddy, she was showing signs of a perforation too. We ended up repeating Friday- this time with Maddy. Now both girls are in the NICU at LeBonheur in side-by-side rooms.

William is asleep behind Morgan's bed and I am staying behind Maddy. Tonight our nurse is Linda and she is wonderful. She let me kiss Morgan on the forehead and that is her very first kiss! Linda has been running back and forth between babies all night which is probably a foreshadowing of my future.

I love them so so much. Who knew that love could feel this way? So full and almost overwhelming. I know my girls are a miracle from God and the He has amazing plans for them both."

August 4th, 2005
"William dropped me off this morning at the hospital. He has to work so much and it is so hard right now because we really need each other!"


August 7th, 2005 10:50am
"Today is Sunday. William and I are at the hospital with the girls. When the nurses told us that the NICU would be a roller coaster ride they were very right. Both girls are doing fairly well today and I hold my breath out of fear that acknowledging that everything is okay might jinx us and something might go wrong.

Morgan and Maddy had a "fussy pants" day yesterday, but overall the day went well. Daddy gave Maddy a bath and changed her diaper for the first time. I took pictures. I got to hold Morgan in my hands again and I took the opportunity to kiss her knee. I still have yet to kiss Maddy. I think it is safe to say that Miss Morgan does not care for baths. My dad came to visit them yesterday and got to see them for th first time. I think he was shocked at how tiny they are. He took pictures and some video of me comforting Madelynn.

I am starting to feel more like a mommy everyday. I definitely feel more protective of them now and I am more and more comfortable touching and soothing them."

Reading this makes me sad and happy at the same time. I am sad that as a mother, knowing what I do now, feeling what I feel now, that I recorded that it was 11 days and more than 11 days before my sweet girls were ever even kissed.

I am going to skip an entry or few and put one from August 24th 12:35. It still makes me mad to read it:

"I am visiting with he girls again. It has been a pretty good two days for the girls but I am slightly frustrated. Everyday I rush William off to work and drive thirty minutes to get to the hospital by 11:45 - 11:50 and when I get in here the nurses have already diapered and put back to bed my girls. Today it just got to me. I got so mad, especially since I called around 10am to let them know I was coming. Anyway, I got so mad, I cried!

I mean my babies are 1 month old this week and I have only held Maddy a couple of times and Morgan so far never! The only things I am "allowed" to do for MY children is diaper and take their temperature. If you take that away from me then you are taking the only hands on interaction away from me that I have and that to me is rude. It would be different in no one knew I was coming - but they knew exactly what time I would be here because I called and specifically talked to Maddy's nurse Virginia. When I lost it and broke down in tears her nurse made a comment that they were "trying to work with me". On top of all that, all the breast milk I have and brought had xanax in it so now there is very little milk left and I am not producing a lot so I may not be able to even pump and give them milk much longer.

Morgan has had four or 5 apnea/brady spells today and its possible she could be getting another infection, we'll just have to wait and see. Whatever it is I just pray we don't have to go back on that vent. It takes forever to ween her back off of it.

Sometimes it just seems so unfair that we are here having to wade through all of this I literally ache inside to just take them home like a normal mom and just be a normal family.


I know some of these entries seem down, and yes, that is exactly how I felt most of the time we were in the NICU but wow, to look back and see how dramatically our life has changed over the past year. To see that me muddled through and now we are such a happy close family. The girls are such a huge blessing in our life; and to never forget how lucky we are that they did in fact come home. Not only did they survive but they are really thriving and getting along fantastically. I am such a lucky mommy and though reminiscing is painful regarding this subject, it is also very rewarding because in the end (the end of the first year) we are so much better off than where we started out. It was so worth it!

I might post some more entries tomorrow or later this week.