In Memory of My Nana ...

To my family: Please don't read this if you think it might bring you sadness or more pain. This was just my way of dealing with some of my feelings regarding Nana. All of it is written out of love. It is the things in my heart that echo in my head when I think of her. Those things I wish I could have said. Those things I wish I could have done to show her one more time how much she meant to me. Just a warning, as I would never want bring any more aching to your heart.

Dear Nana,

Two years ago yesterday we held your funeral. I know it was one of the worst days of my life. Your death was such a shock. I wasn't expecting you to be gone. When mom called me that Friday night and told me that you were going to the ER, I hung up the phone and looked at Melissa and William who were sitting on the couch. Melissa asked what was wrong and I told her that mom had just called and you were going to the ER because you were having trouble breathing. I got up the next morning and went to the hospital to see you. They had already taken you to ICU. I came in and you were sitting there on the bed holding an oxygen mask to your mouth. I was scared but not too scared. I said "I love you". You said "I ... love you ...too" from behind the mask, William was behind me. We went to the waiting room to wait for the next visiting time. We heard an announcement that the Harvey team needed to come to the ICU. Aunt Susan told me it was for your room. I was scared then. Up to that moment I had never heard of a Harvey Team. We went in to see you after they put you on a ventilator. You were pale. I rubbed your feet. I was more scared then. We left the room again to let you rest and this time when they called the Harvey Team, I knew it was for your room. I knew you were leaving us. When the doctor came out we were huddled in a corner and I couldn't believe you were gone. I couldn't contain my pain. I hurt so badly. I wondered, I wonder if it will ever stop hurting.

I miss you so much. The week before you died I was going to come to see you at your house. I had the Gone With The Wind movie you had ordered from Avon. I was going to bring it by but I figured I would do something else instead and come by the next Monday. You were gone by then. I still have your movie. I couldn't return it. I needed to keep it. Mom and Susan gave me a pair of your socks. I don't know why, or maybe I got them when I stayed with Papaw after the funeral. I wear them often and I still feel you. I have your purple "N" bracelet and I wear it to church. I think of you when I look at it.

Thank you for all the things you did for me in my life. Thank you for always making me feel loved and special. When I was little I would spend the night with you and we would eat peach frozen yogurt or fresh popcorn with real butter. We would play aggravation or work on puzzles. I always had a good time at your house. When I would leave you would make me a goody bag. You would fill a plain brown paper lunch sack with an apple, and an orange, a coke, and fritos. We played with Barbies kept under the bed and you read me stories. Those same books are now on the girls' bookshelf in their room, stories I will read to them one day and when I do I will think of you. We sang Elvira in the car on the way to Great Grandmother's house and you unabashedly did the "uumboppa mow mows" straight from your heart. One night several months after your funeral, mom and I were out with a group of people singing karaoke. A man got up to sing Elvira and I went to the bathroom and cried like a baby. I sobbed in the stall till my chest hurt.
When I was older you still made time to make me feel loved and special. You called me "sweetie". You sent me cards when I was sick. You never once missed a time when I was in the hospital. You always came to see me. When I went through tough times you were beside me and when I brought William to meet you, you welcomed him like he had been there the whole time. To William this meant the world, he'd never had a family like mine and you meant the world to him. I think he cried just as hard when you died as I did. I asked him why you were gone, over and over and he said he didn't know why. He loved you so much too. That made me love you even more than I did already!


You were always putting others first. You were a good Christian woman. You loved God and you loved your family. I wish, more than anything, you could have met my babies. I wish more than anything you could have held them in your arms. You could have made them potato soup when they were sick. That you could have kissed their tiny cheeks. Sometimes at night I will march my fingers up and down their tiny legs and I think of you. I hear you saying "Their was a tiny man who walked up a hill..." I love them so much and I know that I learned how to love them like that through you and mom. I learned through you how to be a gentle but strong woman. I learned how to be kind hearted and compassionate of others.

I feel a sense of peace at night knowing that you are up there watching over me, watching over all of your family. I love you and I think about you most every day. I am proud of who you were, proud to be your granddaughter. I will always miss you so much!


Love Forever,

Mandy