Scaredy Pants ...

Let's just start with first things first. I am not a happy camper tonight. I don't feel great and I am feeling low. The girls are not completely well, as we woke up this morning to find them both covered in a bumpy red rash! The doctor said it is a part of the virus and to give them Benadryl, which is the first medicine Maddy hates the taste of, and just wait and watch it. My back is much better but I am just really tired and feeling bad overall.

I told you yesterday that I would try to post something funny so in order to try and accomplish that I am going to tell you a story that makes me look like a crazy loon, as usual. It's not so much funny ha ha as it is just a funny idiosyncrasy about me. People tell me it is good to be able to laugh at yourself. So here goes:

I am terribly afraid of the dark. I mean terribly. Last night I went to put Morgan to bed but her room was too dark. The light is all the way across the room. I froze right inside the doorway. I had to turn and go get William and get him to put her in the crib.

It is safe for you to assume that I am also very afraid of scary movies. I haven't seen many, but the ones I have seen still bother me tremendously. For some reason the scariest movie I have ever seen is Signs. Yep, Signs, the one with Mel Gibson. Everyone else I know, who has seen this movie, says they can't understand why that movie in particular gets to me. Maybe it is because I live on a farm. Maybe I am just a crazy nut. I am sure that is part of it :)

I remember the first time I saw it, I was literally unable to go outside at night. I started parking my car closer to the front door, just so I could jump out and run inside. One day it snowed and the barns outside were covered in snow and I felt such a sense of relief. My irrational rationale was that if there were aliens on the roof, I would be able to see their footprints because of the snow. I don't even believe in aliens so this was a crazy thing to think, even for me.

Eventually my fear of going outside diminished and I went back to normal life, even parking in my normal spot in the driveway again.

Well. The other day I was scrolling through the guide on our t.v. and saw that Signs was on. I have laughed many times over the last couple of years, since I got over that particular fear, at how silly I was to be scared of that movie. I turned it on. Mostly I wanted to see what all the fuss had been about. The scene that came on was the one where Mel Gibson is sitting with his children and they are trying to figure out what to eat for dinner. One of the characters says "I think we should have sandwiches, something easy." and Mel says "No" and then he proceeds to ask the children what they really want. His son says "pancakes and mashed potatoes" His daughter says "spaghetti" and Mel says "A cheeseburger sounds good" Then it shows them sitting at the table not able to eat because they are so burdened with the thought of what is to come. At this point in the show I clicked off of the movie and changed to another channel. No big deal right, not scary in the least. Didn't watch enough of it to feel anything again.

Well not so fast. The next night I had forgotten to return some movies from the weekend back to Blockbuster. So William asked if I would run them up there so we wouldn't get stuck with late fees. I took one step out the door and froze. That panicky fear crawled over me and I broke out in a cold sweat. I tried not to do it, but I couldn't help myself, I looked over to the side of the house to see the moonlit cornfield. The barn was shadowy. Before I could even stop myself to rationalize, I was running. Running to my car, jumping in and locking the doors. When I came home from the store I forced myself to park in my normal spot. I got out of the car started walking toward the house and heard what I will seriously swear was someone screaming. I started running. I have NEVER been so relieved to see William open the door for me. He was, in that moment, my instant hero.

I don't know why I am so scared of the dark. I have no idea at what point this became a life altering fear. It is such a silly fear, so irrational. It seems like I could just step back and face the realities before me. Realize that the boogie man is not lurking in my yard or under my bed. That I am a grown up and should put this behind me. I don't think I can do it though. I don't have time to. When I get to the situation my body freezes and I react before I have time to think. I just bolt. I often try to force myself to work through the fear, like parking away from the house the other night. I could have pulled up in our yard, right next to the porch, but I wanted to make myself get through it. It didn't help, all it seemed to do was get my adrenaline rushing and heart pounding.

So this post didn't turn out to be all that funny after all. I thought laughing about my stupid fears would be funny but rereading it just makes me feel like a silly scaredy cat.
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In honor of my scary movies topic I have found a website that had some tips of things to do if you ever find yourself in a Horror Movie:


1. Never take a bath or shower with a maniac/creature in the house.

2. When it appears that you have killed the maniac/creature, DO NOT check to see if he/she/it is really dead. Keep hacking at it until it is in pieces small enough not to be a threat to you. If you've shot at it, shoot it again in the head, and remember, shoot till it stops moving, and then keep shooting till you're out of ammo. Then reload and shoot it some more. Then set it on fire and burn it up, this works with everything except demons and spirits. Then get the heck out of there!

3. If plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home begin shaking and spewing body fluids, it's time to leave.

4. Don't look under the bed.

5. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

6. If trees, TVs, or other objects try to consume your children, save as many as you can and then get out of the area.

7. If relatives or pets come back from the dead, don't approach them and ask "What did you come back to do?"

8. If you've hidden from the maniac/creature and you are not found, do not peek from or decide it's safe to leave your hiding place. If you do decide to leave, scan the ground for twigs before you take a step.

9. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. (Note: It will probably take several rounds of gunfire to incapacitate them, so be prepared.)

10. If you've just finished running over the maniac/creature in your car, keep going. Most certainly do not get out of the car under any circumstances to see if he/she/it is "really" dead.

11. If you find something that appears to be alive that you cannot identify, don't pick it up or touch it, with anything.

12. If priests won't or can't enter your home, start looking for a new home.

13. If you find a town which looks deserted, it is probably deserted for a darn good reason. Take the hint and stay away.

14. Never pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person, especially if he/she/it resembles Santa Claus or the Devil.

15. Never speak to clowns in sewers.

16. Listen closely to the soundtrack for hints on what is going on around you. Use all resources available, especially the audience, for on the average, they are much, much more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

17. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Mydian, Questa Verde, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

18. Beware of strangers bearing tools of destruction such as chainsaws, staple guns, chipper/shredders, weed poppers, combines, lawnmowers, knives, flamethrowers, band saws, crossbows, napalm, grenades, high-powered rifles, gophers wielding axes, laser pistols, or Alludium Q-36 explosive space modulators.

19. If you are alone in a house and something calls your name, leave the house immediately through whatever exit is in the opposite direction. If there is no exit, make one.

20. If you are being chased by maniac/creature, take off your stiletto high heels.